8bitrocket.com
16Jul/090

More Algorithms For Modern Managers

I've been looking for these for a very long time, and I finally found them. We came up with these many years ago, and I think they still hold-true today.  The following are 21st Century "algorithms" that modern managers can use to figure out their daily evil.

Figuring Out Who Should Be Promoted
 

function fastTrack(EmployeeClass employee, String buzzword) {
          employee.bullshitDictionary.push(buzzword);

if employee.bullshitDictionary.count >=100 {

employee.manager=true;

}

}


Bonus Payout For Difficult Decisions

while (headcount.count >0) {

           
CEO.bonus += headcount[0].salary;
            
headcount.pop();

}


Project Management

function quality(int scope_creep) {
           
project.quick += scope_creep;
           
project.dirty + = scope_creep;
}


Who To Lay Off Today?

/* Employee Layoff Justification */

function justifyLayoff (employee){
           
layoff = true;
           
if (employee.cubicle.squareFeet > 50){
                       
if (employee.cubicle == 'storage'){
                                   
layoff = true;
                       
}else{
                                   
layoff = false;
                       
}
           
}
           
if (employee.cubicle.window.hasview == true){
                       
if (employee.cubicle.window.view == 'maintenance yard'){
                                   
layoff = true;
                       
}else{
                                   
layoff = false;
                       
}
           
}

           
if (employee.hasParkingSpot == true){
                       
if (employee.hasParkingSpot.type == 'Employee Of The Month'){
                                   
if (employee.vp.bonus < (CEO.bonus/2)){
                                               
layoff = true;
                                               
employee.vp.bounus += employee.salary;
                                   
}else{
                                               
layoff = false;
                                   
}
                       
}else{
                                   
layoff = false;
                       
}
           
}

if (layoff) {

employee.layoff();

}

}

An Easier Layoff Wizard

function LayoffWizard() {

     
/* Automatically takes care of the bottom 10% */
     
for each employeeID in employees {
                 
if (employees.rank <10.0) {
                             
AdjustBonus(CEO, employees[employeeID].compensation);
                             
employees[employeeID].LayOff();
                 
}
     
}

}

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