8bitrocket.com
19Jan/120

336 Days Left : The Next Sign Of The Apocalypse : Microsoft Adds Achievements For Coding Into Visual Studio

The current Mayan Countdown has us at 336 days left until the end of the world, so we here at 8bitrocket.com have decided to spend some time looking for stories that we think show that something weird is going on this year.

The next Sign Of Doomsday: Microsoft Adds Achievements For Coding Into Visual Studio

Here is what they say:

A software engineer's glory so often goes unnoticed. Attention seems to come either when there are bugs or when the final project ships. But rarely is a developer appreciated for all the nuances and subtleties of a piece of code--and all the heroics it took to write it.  With Visual Studio Achievements Beta, your talents are recognized as you perform various coding feats, unlock achievements and earn badges.

Really?  For software development?  Maybe that's cool, but first, can they add badges to Outlook to award managers for not ignoring emails, or achievements to Project for PMs who don't under-estimate the time it will take to complete a software effort?

I can't decide if this is really cool, or just a way turn what I do for a living into social game where one day I will be working for Facebook credits.   If so then...

Is the Quickening, er Doomsday er Armageddon coming this year?   Is it just the Winter Solstice?* Is this another sign of the end times?  Did Ancient Aliens dictate the end of the world to people on Yucatán Peninsula 100′s of years ago or did some old Mayan guy just run out of space when trying  to mark upcoming birthdays on his stone calendar? Only 349 more days until we get the answer. What else will happen in the coming months?

Tune in to find out.

*yes.

16Jul/090

More Algorithms For Modern Managers

I've been looking for these for a very long time, and I finally found them. We came up with these many years ago, and I think they still hold-true today.  The following are 21st Century "algorithms" that modern managers can use to figure out their daily evil.

Figuring Out Who Should Be Promoted
 

function fastTrack(EmployeeClass employee, String buzzword) {
          employee.bullshitDictionary.push(buzzword);

if employee.bullshitDictionary.count >=100 {

employee.manager=true;

}

}


Bonus Payout For Difficult Decisions

while (headcount.count >0) {

           
CEO.bonus += headcount[0].salary;
            
headcount.pop();

}


Project Management

function quality(int scope_creep) {
           
project.quick += scope_creep;
           
project.dirty + = scope_creep;
}


Who To Lay Off Today?

/* Employee Layoff Justification */

function justifyLayoff (employee){
           
layoff = true;
           
if (employee.cubicle.squareFeet > 50){
                       
if (employee.cubicle == 'storage'){
                                   
layoff = true;
                       
}else{
                                   
layoff = false;
                       
}
           
}
           
if (employee.cubicle.window.hasview == true){
                       
if (employee.cubicle.window.view == 'maintenance yard'){
                                   
layoff = true;
                       
}else{
                                   
layoff = false;
                       
}
           
}

           
if (employee.hasParkingSpot == true){
                       
if (employee.hasParkingSpot.type == 'Employee Of The Month'){
                                   
if (employee.vp.bonus < (CEO.bonus/2)){
                                               
layoff = true;
                                               
employee.vp.bounus += employee.salary;
                                   
}else{
                                               
layoff = false;
                                   
}
                       
}else{
                                   
layoff = false;
                       
}
           
}

if (layoff) {

employee.layoff();

}

}

An Easier Layoff Wizard

function LayoffWizard() {

     
/* Automatically takes care of the bottom 10% */
     
for each employeeID in employees {
                 
if (employees.rank <10.0) {
                             
AdjustBonus(CEO, employees[employeeID].compensation);
                             
employees[employeeID].LayOff();
                 
}
     
}

}

16Dec/080

Algorithms For Modern Managers: Calculating Christmas Bonus

Here is the first in a series of "Managment Sucks" "algorithms for modern managers" (written in ActionScript!)

private function getManagerChristmasBonus(mgr:Manager,
                        employees:Array)
                        : Number
{

  var managerBonus:Number = 5000;

  for (var i=0; i&lt; employees.length; i++) {
    switch (employee[i].status) {

	case FIRED:
	   managerBonus += 3000;
	   break;
	case OUTSOURCED:
	   managerbonus += 2500;
	   break;
	case LAYEDOFF:
	   managerBonus += 2000
           break;
	case ON_THE_VERGE_OF_QUITTING:
	   managerBonus += 1500;
           break;
	case HOPES_AND_DREAMS_SHATTERED:
	   managerBonus += 1000;
	   break;
	case SPIRIT_BROKEN:
	   managerBonus += 500;
	   break;
	case HAPPY_WELL_ADJUSTED_EMPLOYEE:
	   managerBonus += 100;
	   sendHarrassingEmailAboutTimeCard(employee[i]);
	   break;
	}

     }
 return managerBonus + Math.random()*10000;
}
23Apr/080

Something Missing In Wisconsin (Update)

OK, so I actually found a place that has "Health Guards" (Protectos, ass gaskets) in Wisconsin.  However, I'm pretty sure they are new to the region. There was a was a sign above the toilet that read.

"Please keep our bathroom clean, use seat protectors"

Now, this might not seem odd at first, but read it again.  Why would using seat protector keep the bathroom "clean".  Isn't it the other way around?  Shouldn't I be keeping myself clean? What exactly do they think we are going to do with these "seat protectors?"

The mystery deepens.

   
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